...guilt

I've been dreading this post and putting it off for almost 8 weeks now... It involves two wonderful people and a whole lot of guilt...

First of all,

happy is not a word to describe the joy I felt on July 10th when we welcomed our #3, Haven. I was induced and it was the best experience/labor ever. Although getting induced took a lot longer than I anticipated (I was certain my sister and mom were going to miss it if they weren't there by 8:00) I was so ecstatic that I was right about it being a girl and that SHE was finally here, happy, and weighing a healthy 8 pounds 7 ounces. Although she's been a rough baby, I'm only now figuring her out 7 1/2 weeks later, she has brought so much love to our house. Cass is absolutely in love and wants to be around for everything. He insists that she talks to him and that she is always wanting to play with HIS toys and not REMI's. Remi has turned into a miniature monster mommy and is constantly wanting to snuggle Haven and change her diaper. I think it's safe to say we ALL adore her.

Only a few days after Haven came to us, another sweet gal left us....

My beautiful sister-in-law, Bunny,

was in a tragic auto-bicycle accident which she did not live through. She left behind my sweet nieces, Clare (3) and Maggie (3 months), and my wonderful brother-in-law, Luke.

Almost immediately, my guilt set in....

I'm not being as great a mom as I know I am capable...

I'm not taking care of my body to the best of my abilities....

I'm not serving with all my heart...

I'm not really trying to be GREAT at anything...

I'm not stretching my mind or my body to new things...

I hate being uncomfortable...

I'm stagnant. Guilty.

In my mind, Bunny could do (and did do!) everything PERFECTLY. I can hear her laughing now at this comment... she was so HUMBLE about being perfect. I looked up to her even before her passing and thought how great it'd be if she offered lessons on how to be a Bunny. I'd have paid big bucks for those classes. Again, guilt... I didn't get to know her as best as I could while she was here.

While I have loathed and bathed in my guilt for several weeks now, I'm getting over it. I found a wonderful quote:

"Guilt should be a momentary pang to spur one into corrective action. Anything longer is wasted, and worse, selfish."

So, I've made a new promise to myself. I'm going to strive to become an ANGI in the light of the Bunny I know.

I'm going to be a better mom... writing a journal for my kids, like Bunny did, full of memories and lessons I've learned.

I'm going to be a better wife... think about my husband more and less about myself and what I'm missing out on.

I'm going to be a better friend... I don't really have many close ones anymore (that was due to my own selfishness), but I am going to be better at holding them all closer to my heart.

I'm going to be better to myself... this includes eating better, being in a constant state of learning something new, working out, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, whether that be physical or mental.

I'm going to be better at putting my whole heart into serving others and fulfilling my callings.

I'm going to be better to my family... I've been so blessed with both my own family and Adam's and I haven't gone out of my way to ever get to know any of them better. I need to do that when we make visits to Utah.

So many people have been touched by Bunny, whether they knew her or not. I have a strong testimony that she has a greater calling which she is sure to be PERFECT at, in the meantime, she will be GREATLY missed.

Thank you to everyone who has thought about our entire family during this difficult time. The entire Bradley family was overwhelmed by the love and support that was given and shown. We can not thank you all enough. We have been truly blessed to have had Bunny in our family.