Wednesday, September 1, 2010

...guilt


I've been dreading this post and putting it off for almost 8 weeks now... It involves two wonderful people and a whole lot of guilt...

First of all,
happy is not a word to describe the joy I felt on July 10th when we welcomed our #3, Haven. I was induced and it was the best experience/labor ever. Although getting induced took a lot longer than I anticipated (I was certain my sister and mom were going to miss it if they weren't there by 8:00) I was so ecstatic that I was right about it being a girl and that SHE was finally here, happy, and weighing a healthy 8 pounds 7 ounces. Although she's been a rough baby, I'm only now figuring her out 7 1/2 weeks later, she has brought so much love to our house. Cass is absolutely in love and wants to be around for everything. He insists that she talks to him and that she is always wanting to play with HIS toys and not REMI's. Remi has turned into a miniature monster mommy and is constantly wanting to snuggle Haven and change her diaper. I think it's safe to say we ALL adore her.

Only a few days after Haven came to us, another sweet gal left us....




My beautiful sister-in-law, Bunny,
was in a tragic auto-bicycle accident which she did not live through. She left behind my sweet nieces, Clare (3) and Maggie (3 months), and my wonderful brother-in-law, Luke.
Almost immediately, my guilt set in....

I'm not being as great a mom as I know I am capable...
I'm not taking care of my body to the best of my abilities....
I'm not serving with all my heart...
I'm not really trying to be GREAT at anything...
I'm not stretching my mind or my body to new things...
I hate being uncomfortable...
I'm stagnant. Guilty.

In my mind, Bunny could do (and did do!) everything PERFECTLY. I can hear her laughing now at this comment... she was so HUMBLE about being perfect. I looked up to her even before her passing and thought how great it'd be if she offered lessons on how to be a Bunny. I'd have paid big bucks for those classes. Again, guilt... I didn't get to know her as best as I could while she was here.

While I have loathed and bathed in my guilt for several weeks now, I'm getting over it. I found a wonderful quote:
"Guilt should be a momentary pang to spur one into corrective action. Anything longer is wasted, and worse, selfish."

So, I've made a new promise to myself. I'm going to strive to become an ANGI in the light of the Bunny I know.
I'm going to be a better mom... writing a journal for my kids, like Bunny did, full of memories and lessons I've learned.
I'm going to be a better wife... think about my husband more and less about myself and what I'm missing out on.
I'm going to be a better friend... I don't really have many close ones anymore (that was due to my own selfishness), but I am going to be better at holding them all closer to my heart.
I'm going to be better to myself... this includes eating better, being in a constant state of learning something new, working out, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, whether that be physical or mental.
I'm going to be better at putting my whole heart into serving others and fulfilling my callings.
I'm going to be better to my family... I've been so blessed with both my own family and Adam's and I haven't gone out of my way to ever get to know any of them better. I need to do that when we make visits to Utah.

So many people have been touched by Bunny, whether they knew her or not. I have a strong testimony that she has a greater calling which she is sure to be PERFECT at, in the meantime, she will be GREATLY missed.

Thank you to everyone who has thought about our entire family during this difficult time. The entire Bradley family was overwhelmed by the love and support that was given and shown. We can not thank you all enough. We have been truly blessed to have had Bunny in our family.



11 comments:

Megan @ Confessions of a Bake-aholic said...

Ang,
What a sweet post (tears running down my face). I'm so glad little Haven is here. She's such a beautiful little girl!
I could just ditto everything you said about Bunny. Man I miss her! I've been feeling guilt about the fact that I never took her up on the offer for a private pilates lesson. I would have loved to see her teach...I have heard she was EXCELLENT (of course).
I think we have all learned so much from the tragedy. I just wish every day that we could have learned it all another way.
Love you guys!

RaCHeL said...

What a wonderful post. I'm so glad you came to do this. Life sure throws us our ups & downs doesn't it? I'm so glad that little Haven is here & well & that you had a good delivery. I am also so sorry for the loss of Bunny. I didn't know her, but my heart aches for you & her family. Way to be on getting on track with life. Your list really hit home to me & is now motivation for me to try harder as well. I know it's been years since we've seen each other, but Ang, you'll always be my dear friend. Never forget! I sure love you!

Tamara Jacobs said...

oh your sweet haven is sooooo cute!
i love her name so much.
i'm so sorry about the loss of your sister-in-law.
she sounds just amazing.
thank you for your post.
it was inspiring.

Stephenson said...

Hey Ang, I love reading your words, I can almost hear your voice. I know your kids are super lucky to have you. They are beautiful. Hope you are doing well and are happy.

xoxo
Adrian

whit said...

Straight from the heart!! I love that post, little Haven is adorable along with your other little kiddos. Jas & I have been thinking about you guys so much & hope you know how much we love you. We are so sorry for Bunny & hope the healing process gets better. It's amazing the things that you learn from certain situations. You guys are the best and we are thinking about you.

Whit

matt b. said...

Reggie, no need to feel guilty, you're a saint. you live with my brother trigger!! 'nuff said!! ;)

m

wessara said...

I loved that post!!! My heart broke you you guys and all ur family. So sad! Reading that always makes you think what we all need to improve on! Especially me!

I am sorry 3 is so hard!But i have to agree... Beckham is 5 months now... and i feel like i am finally not drowning in children! She is so precious and has the coveted hair Remi had! Lucky girl! Congrats! If u ever come out we should have u over for lunch with everyone... since going out with our 6 KIDS would be hell!! Love u Angi... It gets better!:)

court-court said...

You are such a darling girl. I miss you. I miss our cpk days, douglas times, riding in the truck, stealing abercrombie jumbo photos and trying the get them home... you are amazing and an inspiration to me and to many others. thanks for being such a good friend and an example to me for so many years. Love ya

wessara said...

Finally updated!! Just for you!
Love ya!

Briette, Brett and Family said...

Crying Angi .... I am crying! You are such a wonderful woman and I am blessed to be your friend. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are amazing and your kids are blessed to have you.

Love you lots and my prayers are with you and the family now. It is so hard to lose someone you love, but they are not far. just keep breathing, sometimes one day, minute, or hour is all we can focus on. peace will come.

lots of LOVE!

Bob, Emily, Ellie, and Kate said...

Oh angi, what an amzing and sweet post. Congrats on your beautiful little girl. I am so sorry about Bunny. She really sounds like everything I want to be. Through you, I am inspired to be better and more like her and you:) Thanks for sharing!