...guilt

I've been dreading this post and putting it off for almost 8 weeks now... It involves two wonderful people and a whole lot of guilt...

First of all,

happy is not a word to describe the joy I felt on July 10th when we welcomed our #3, Haven. I was induced and it was the best experience/labor ever. Although getting induced took a lot longer than I anticipated (I was certain my sister and mom were going to miss it if they weren't there by 8:00) I was so ecstatic that I was right about it being a girl and that SHE was finally here, happy, and weighing a healthy 8 pounds 7 ounces. Although she's been a rough baby, I'm only now figuring her out 7 1/2 weeks later, she has brought so much love to our house. Cass is absolutely in love and wants to be around for everything. He insists that she talks to him and that she is always wanting to play with HIS toys and not REMI's. Remi has turned into a miniature monster mommy and is constantly wanting to snuggle Haven and change her diaper. I think it's safe to say we ALL adore her.

Only a few days after Haven came to us, another sweet gal left us....

My beautiful sister-in-law, Bunny,

was in a tragic auto-bicycle accident which she did not live through. She left behind my sweet nieces, Clare (3) and Maggie (3 months), and my wonderful brother-in-law, Luke.

Almost immediately, my guilt set in....

I'm not being as great a mom as I know I am capable...

I'm not taking care of my body to the best of my abilities....

I'm not serving with all my heart...

I'm not really trying to be GREAT at anything...

I'm not stretching my mind or my body to new things...

I hate being uncomfortable...

I'm stagnant. Guilty.

In my mind, Bunny could do (and did do!) everything PERFECTLY. I can hear her laughing now at this comment... she was so HUMBLE about being perfect. I looked up to her even before her passing and thought how great it'd be if she offered lessons on how to be a Bunny. I'd have paid big bucks for those classes. Again, guilt... I didn't get to know her as best as I could while she was here.

While I have loathed and bathed in my guilt for several weeks now, I'm getting over it. I found a wonderful quote:

"Guilt should be a momentary pang to spur one into corrective action. Anything longer is wasted, and worse, selfish."

So, I've made a new promise to myself. I'm going to strive to become an ANGI in the light of the Bunny I know.

I'm going to be a better mom... writing a journal for my kids, like Bunny did, full of memories and lessons I've learned.

I'm going to be a better wife... think about my husband more and less about myself and what I'm missing out on.

I'm going to be a better friend... I don't really have many close ones anymore (that was due to my own selfishness), but I am going to be better at holding them all closer to my heart.

I'm going to be better to myself... this includes eating better, being in a constant state of learning something new, working out, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, whether that be physical or mental.

I'm going to be better at putting my whole heart into serving others and fulfilling my callings.

I'm going to be better to my family... I've been so blessed with both my own family and Adam's and I haven't gone out of my way to ever get to know any of them better. I need to do that when we make visits to Utah.

So many people have been touched by Bunny, whether they knew her or not. I have a strong testimony that she has a greater calling which she is sure to be PERFECT at, in the meantime, she will be GREATLY missed.

Thank you to everyone who has thought about our entire family during this difficult time. The entire Bradley family was overwhelmed by the love and support that was given and shown. We can not thank you all enough. We have been truly blessed to have had Bunny in our family.

Brock's baby sis...

Many of you know my good friend Brock Hansen.  He was the Student Body President the year that I was the Secretary, so I know him and his cute family pretty well.  I haven't talked to them for a few years, but my niece, Clare, was often babysat by Brock's little sister, Gentrie.  My brother-in-law sent me an article today... and it's about lil' Gentrie.  Gentrie has Gastroparesis.  The best medical guess is that a virus attacked the nerves in her stomach causing it to no longer function.  Anything she eats, she vomits.  She vomits if she doesn't eat.  She hasn't had anything to eat since January.  That's a long time.  She gets all that her body needs through a PIC line.  When I think of Gentrie, I think of a crazy, hyper, goofy little six year-old.  It broke my heart to read her story and to see pictures of her.   She is thin and very discouraged.  She does have hope though with an experimental surgery.  This surgery has been deemed as 'experimental' by her health insurance because Gentrie is under 18.  Anyone that knows anything about medical insurance knows that 'experimental' means NOT COVERED.  So, her family has got to come up with some money in order to get Gentrie to Ohio for this 'experimental' surgery which has been successful in many many cases.  The Hansen's have set up a page for donations and event updates http://fight4gen.com   Love you all!  Please think of Gentrie.  

Article for Deseret News
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700042165/Illness-prevents-teen-from-being-able-to-eat.html?pg=1

Gentrie's Blog
http://gentrieshungergame.blogspot.com

My best friend...

just turned two.  Seriously, how does life get going so fast and how does my little Brumbi keep growing so quickly?  I am one lucky momma to have this little one in my life.  I think about my own relationship with my mom, and can only hope that Remi loves me half as much as I love my mom.  I hope we are bff.

In other news... 

My little karate kid now has three stripes on his white belt.  I adore him completely, but I think his dad is even more smitten with him.  After a doctor's visit last month, it amazes me that he's even more of a little man than I give him credit.  I've always thought he was older than his years but he is one tough little cuss.  He has a growth hormone shot every night, and never cries out... gets blood drawn and 'stands strong' (although he's really sitting) once  a month, and can play harder than any other kid I know.  Not to mention, can get dirtier than the average kid in much less time.  The words 'I can't' do not exist in his language.  His life is the ultimate 'what would I do if I knew I could not fail'.  A pretty big example for his momma.

The husband celebrated the big 2-7 in May.  Doesn't that sound old?  I've discussed this with my sister, and we both agree that odd numbered birthdays sound much worse than evens.  And don't even get us started on double odd numbered birthdays like 39 or 57.  Ughh!!  I'm seriously considering telling everyone I'm 28 on my next birthday and celebrating it again in 2011.  Anything to avoid the dreaded 2-7.  Oh, in some fun news, Adam broke his nose earlier this month.  He came (literally) head to head with horse.  He's had problems with  his septum and adnoids (is that what they're called?) all his life, and ever since the day he broke his nose, he says he can breath.  Weird huh?

As for me... still pregnant.  We're down to 25 days or something though, so that's exciting.  I'm starting to get overwhelmed.  I think it's natural that a mom starts doubting her capabilities, and I am for certain.  I'm hoping three kids will come just as naturally to me as one and two did.  I trust that Heavenly Father is not regretting sending this next little bundle to us.  Can you stand the anticipation of what the next one will be?  I can't.  Patience is a virtue that I lack.  

FOUND: DEAD BODY

Let me just start by saying that this is truly NOT a joke and that this really did happen...

They found a dead body about 3 miles from our house earlier this month... 

Apparently, in October, a man from Pueblo got in a fight with his girlfriend and left in his car.  His car was later found on our boss' land about 4 miles from our house on fire.  There was no sign of the man.  Earlier this month, another local rancher was tending to his cattle and found human remains.  Those remains have been positively identified as the man from Pueblo that went missing.  There's a lot of speculation about whether the man was murdered or if he took his own life, but either way, it's enough to give me the goosey bumps.  Maybe I should have added this to my previous post of life in the country.  Appealing to move to the country now, more than ever.  

I took a drive....

I took a drive tonight.  

All by myself.  

It was nice.

I figured out a few things:

If you don't know what it means to 'mark a field',

If you don't know how manure can smell so sweet,

If you don't know what it is like to look forward to a dirt road,

If you don't know what it's like to look in your rearview mirror and see your trail of dust,

If you've never watched a calf being born, 

If you're kids don't know how to drive a tractor,

If you don't know what gated pipe is,

If you don't wave at every car that you pass,

If your kids don't get dirty everyday playing outside,

And you don't know how to go to the grocery store once a month,

Then you probably live in the city... and I feel sorry for you.  

Truly, I think raising a kid in the country is the best place.

I still love you city folk though!

NEVER tease a pregnant woman!

So, now that I'm six 1/2 months pregnant, I'm to the point, where I'm done.  I feel fat, I look fat, I just wanna be loved.  My dear sweet husband, who never had couthfulness as his strong point, has had to be reminded a few times that teasing me at this point, especially when I'm complaining to him about my weight, is not the best thing to do.  One of the super nice perks of our new modular on the prairie is that we have the BIGGEST jetted tub in our master bath with a double vanity.  Now, the jetted tub, tucked nicely into a corner, is surrounded on all three walls with rather large mirrors.  These mirrors, I think, make me look a lot bigger.  The mirrors above the double vanity make me look a lot better.  As Adam was getting ready for a bath the other night, I told him my theory about the mirrors.  He then proceeded to look at my reflection in the mirrors surrounding the bathtub (the ones I thought made me look a lot bigger), and then back at me.  Teasing, (and I really do mean he was totally kidding), but he says "No, I think they're pretty accurate."  I laugh for a second and immediately following I start to cry.  Sobbing actually.  Damn hormones!  Adam wondered what the heck was wrong with me as I was just crying one second before.  All I could say was "NEVER tease a pregnant woman".  Anyway, looking back now, it's hysterical and I really admire Adam for his consistency in always having something witty to say at just the right moment to make us laugh.  The poor guy has to put up with a raging hormonal woman.  

Anyway, on a HAPPIER note, I am six 1/2 months prego.  My how time flies!  The sun is shining every other day when it isn't snowing and I haven't seen any signs of tornadoes, so life is great.  (Have I mentioned before how deathly afraid of tornadoes I am?  I never wanted to live anywhere flat and that John Denver really did lie because it doesn't get much flatter than where we are.)  Life is coming together here at the modular.  Cass started karate which he is loving.  I'll have to post a picture of him in his adorable karate suit, but I have to learn how to tie his belt first.  Remi is learning to be a little fire-cracker.  She's got attitude for days, but really she loves to hang out with me and I'm glad she's my little friend.  Adam is still loving his job and is learning more and more everyday.  We know this is just a step on his ladder to the top, so he's doing the most to take advantage of this opportunity to be here.  I've really learned to enjoy being in Colorado.  I'm within two hours of my Grandma which has been such a fun blessing.  Living in a modular really isn't as trashy as I probably once thought.  It's small, but that means much less to clean and I found a stash of 'camel cash' under the before mentioned tub that I can't wait to spend on some classy joe camel apparel.  Who couldn't be happy with these two munchkins to wake me up every morning? 

Re-Introducing Angi to the 21st Century!

That's right... guess who got the internet?  We did!  I can't help but notice that because I have not updated my blog for almost an entire year, I have lost many of my supporters.  While reviewing and catching up on friends' and families' blogs I can't help but be upset that so few still have us listed on their list of blogs that they read.  So, here I am... this is a new invitation to ALL of those old followers and NEW followers that really want to follow our cool blog.  Here is an update: 

1- Recently moved to Colorado... John Denver did lie about the mountains because we live in the flatest of flats.  

2- Having baby #3 July 2010!  So excited!  Just need to find a Dr. in Colorado now.  

3-  Adam riding and training horses full-time now at his new job and loving it

4- Cass has discovered what the word 'neighbor' means and enjoying every minute of having someone just 100 yards away to play with

5- Remi is turning into a little lady and quite the monster.  Really, she is into making messes whether on her own face or on the floor, she'll make 100 messes a day.

6-  I am trying not to get homesick and putting a house back together.  Anyone agree moving is the worst?  

So, I am back in the 21st century and I have every intention of really getting back into this blogging swing.  I just have to figure out how to download pictures on to a Mac wizard box.  Lots of love from the little house on the prairie (is that how you spell it?)